Before You Go Swimming, Read This

The whale can be seen Saturday swimming among the boats at Ventura Harbor. The spectacle drew hundreds of onlookers.(Photo: MEGAN DISKIN/THE STAR)Buy Photo

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To the undecided

Pa always gets confused on three-day weekends like this because Ventura doesn’t have three days worth of stuff to do and the older he gets the more indecisive he gets, so he and Ma spend half the holiday deciding to not go to Santa Barbara or L.A. and then end up going nowhere, kind of like John Kerry after he said, “I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it.” Or Oxnard Councilman Bryan MacDonald, who voted against a sewage rate hike last week and changed his vote when it came up for a second, routine approval Tuesday. Mr. MacDonald said he hadn’t changed his mind; he just wanted to support his colleagues and his vote was “not going to change anything anyways.” While Oxnard voters might appreciate such conviction to one’s beliefs, Pa thinks this politician is giving indecision a bad name. Real decisions — like Pa leading off with this item — can be counterproductive.

To humpback whales

When you get all indecisive on which way to turn, you end up getting stuck at the Ventura Harbor just like anyone who’s ever waited there for the trolley to downtown. Fortunately, the humpback whale swimming around the harbor last weekend couldn’t find a parking spot at the Harbor Village and moved on. We know that because harbor officials told The Star they “physically drove the boat around the harbor to check if it was gone.” Pa isn’t sure how else you would drive a boat, unless you can do it metaphysically like MacDonald does with sewage votes.

 

 

To developers

The Ventura Harbor must be a vortex of indecision, considering your latest proposals for making money there. You say research shows the “Ventura hospitality sector” needs a luxury hotel, and then some “low-cost accommodations.” One plan called for a 64-room “boutique” family-oriented hotel with a rooftop pool, bar and grill and “event barn.” Pa just can’t put that image together. He and Ma roll in with their five bratty kids, enjoy the Jacuzzi and lavender-scented towels in their $400 room, then come downstairs to bale hay? Oh, and let’s not forget your plans for a hostel. Is that where Pa finds an au pair visiting from Europe to help the kids milk the cows while he pops over to the bar for some Dom Perignon?

To fungi lovers

OK, here’s an explanation for all this indecisive madness — hallucinogenic mushrooms. According to USA Today, a new survey found “magic mushrooms” were the safest recreational drug. Only 0.2 percent of the folks enjoying spaghetti with psilocybin sauce reported needing emergency medical treatment. That’s five times less than those taking MDMA, LSD, alcohol or cocaine, according to the annual Global Drug Survey. Of course, if you’re unlucky enough to be among the 0.2 percent, you might find yourself jumping out of a fifth-floor balcony and dying, like a tourist high on mushrooms did last week while visiting Indonesia. Pa thinks you’re better off just staying at a Ventura youth hostel and ordering some chardonnay and mushroom quiche from room service. Tough decision, though.

To buffet fans

Maybe America’s abundance of food fuels our indecisiveness (or maybe it’s vice versa). For instance, when Pa’s in the buffet line in Vegas and the guy in the funny chef’s hat is carving some juicy prime rib, why does he even pause at the crusty creamed cod sitting there since Frank Sinatra's last show in 1995? A new Johns Hopkins University study found Americans throw away up to 40 percent of their food supply, and that’s just based on data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, not from the Circus Circus buffet. Then again, if Oxnard folks actually ate everything on their buffet plates, their city could have an even bigger sewage problem — and more indigestion/indecision for council members.

To teachers

If you’ve been irregular lately, it turns out all you need is an irregular student to make things right. The Fresno Bee reported last week that an eighth-grader in Madera got caught slipping at least eight laxative pills into a teacher’s coffee. Apparently the coffee got cold, the teacher dumped it into a sink and found the eight undissolved pills. Talk about waste. Pa physically checks his coffee cup to make sure he’s gotten every last drop, even if it does taste like cold mushroom sauce.

To nuts

The Fresno newsroom was on a cinnamon roll (with lots of raisins) last week, because it had another story about a fourth-grade class in Merced that wants to make almonds, pistachios, walnuts and pecans the official state nuts in California and even got an assemblyman to draft a bill to that effect. Talk about indecision. You might as well add peanuts to the list and make “mixed” the official state nut. Or “mixed up.”

Source : http://www.vcstar.com/story/opinion/columnists/2017/05/26/pa-ventura-you-could-read-this-maybe-not/349672001/

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